4. On the Beach with all the sites and ultimate relaxation - for most of us!

Three full and extremely relaxing days at Kamala beach, on the island of Phuket (I somewhat ignorantly hadn’t realised that it’s actually an island. A bit like my home town, it’s got a road bridge and only a small stretch of water separating it from the mainland). It appears I have also, quite accidentally, elected to stay here for the weekend of Kamala Festival - a three day long party to start the season! Also like Portsmouth, that included a big Saturday morning football tournament, right outside my little balcony, with much cheering, excitement and noise. Either the fans are significantly less sweary in their chants than the Pompey supporters … or I am blissfully unaware of what swearing sounds like in Thai!

My hotel (Kamala Beach Front) does exactly what it says on the tin. I have a big set of sliding doors and little balcony overlooking the beach so I can sit in bed and have my morning tea then move to the balcony for my mid morning tea and enjoy the beach and palm trees! I am towards one end of the beach so should be slightly quieter … if it weren’t for Kamala Festival that is! They’ve erected a large stage about 100m away and want to share the music with EVERYONE within a 5 mile radius! There are pretty lights and endless food stalls and people selling lots of lovely tat. They have also elected, it seems, to arm the small Thai children with fireworks. You know the sort that in England come in a tube which is to be secured to the ground, lit and then watched from at least 20m away from while it intermently fires flashes and bangs into the air? Well it’s them - but the kids (I would estimate aging from 4-7ish) each get a tube which they light then run around holding and firing the flashes and bangs into the air around them.  Unlike in Portsmouth, they do seem to avoid intentionally firing them at other people, which is a nice change!

The music finishes before midnight so it’s not too bad. The main issue is that the acts have elected to sing a selection of western bands’ songs but aren’t fully clear on the words so do a Thai / English combo along to a familiar tune! So far, there have been some classics including lyrics such as:

• Imagine there’s no heaving

• Welcome to the ‘otel californy,

• Don’t you dance in my boo sand soos

• Oohhh, we’re half way fair, ooh-oh listen on a pear.

Aside for the evening party over the weekend, it is a lovely relaxing place with restaurants, shops and a palm tree shaded walkway that lines the beach, which is a vast stretch of sand. There are sun beds along the beach and swathes of sand you can chuck a towel down on wherever you fancy. There are lovely beach side restaurants and coffee shops that I occasionally treat myself to a fancy frothy coffee and breakfast in. I thought about treating myself to a day at the fancy beach club and pool, Cafe Del Mar. I wandered down to enquire as to pricing, fully expecting to have to shell out a bit of money for the day but wondered if it might be nice for a treat. I discovered that the use of the sun beds around the pool is totally free …. But there is a minimum spend on food and drink that must be purchased through out day, which you pay in advance (and then would have to pay anything additionally on top that is spent during the day when you leave). Prices for this free sunbed, start in the cheapest area of the pool at £200 per day and go up to £1200 for the most exclusive spots. I’d had my bag searched on entry - just to approach the desk and enquire as to the price - and had to my water bottle taken away as nothing is allowed in! I collected it on my way back out having thanked the nice receptionist who seems to believe I’ll be using the booking QR code he gave me so I can be in attendance tomorrow! I retreated to a sun bed on the beach (£2.50 including umbrella), ordered a mango smoothie (£2) and then later had a one hour massage in the shade of the palm trees (£7.00) then  had spring rolls and pad Thai for dinner (£9 because I treated myself to one of the fancier places on the beach!).

While I’m on the subject of massages (sort of!), far from one massage, I’ve actually indulged in a daily massage. Yes - A. Daily. Massage! I’m not generally a fan because they hurt but I have finally learnt, in Thailand, how to actually get a pain free, ultra relaxing massage - the secret is to ask for a gentle, oil massage. None of this Thai massage, where they spend an hour contorting you into such different shapes that your body thinks it’s being tortured before they jamming their elbows into you with all their weight then walk about on your back. No, an oil massage is basically just a light, stroking with minimal pressure. Just remember to also request that they don’t do the thing where they tug on each finger and toe in an attempt to dislocate them.

There are various massage beds set up along the beach, you de-robe, hop on a table, get covered in a towel and away they go. Absolute bliss! On my second day, my lovely masseuse (once you’ve found a really good one, keep them. Always!) pressed her hand on my skin and announced I’d had too much sun! In fairness, I walked up and down the beach in the morning before sitting under the shade of an umbrella for the day and despite having suncream on, did have a slightly pinkish hue to my shoulders, chest and nose. Towards the end of my massage, when I’d noticed she hadn’t put oil onto my arms but had still massaged them, there was a burst of Thai chat (quite a common occurrence - they play soothing music and apologise for loudness or lots of noise around but then chatter loudly in Thai to each other at regular intervals!) and someone said ‘ready, is cold’ just before ice cold slop was dropped on to my chest. Before I could open my eyes long enough to see another lady standing over  me, it had been slathered down my arms and smeared all over my face. It was explained, after the event, that they had put aloe vera onto my skin that looked red - they literally have a cold box filled with chunks of actual aloe vera plant that they slice in half then mush up and apply directly to the skin. Although it wasn’t unpleasant, it was a little slimy and entirely unexpected. I was informed I should leave it on and allow it to dry on my skin and not to touch it. In addition to the aloe vera slime goodness, you also end up with lumps of the flesh all over you too. Essentially, I looked like I’d been at the centre of a massive snot explosion. But it was good for my skin apparently and I wasn’t charged any extra for the pleasure so I guess that was something! I imagined that the wonder qualities of the plant would mean that when I woke up the next day, I would have regenerated skin that looks 21 again. How excellent! … although the transformation is yet to appear and I also discovered that when the clear snot aloe vera dries, it dries to a light green bogey colour and consistency. Fabulous when you’ve stopped off to sit at a beach cafe and have a fruit smoothie on your way home!

There are others who appear to have a different idea of holiday relaxation. While I was eating my chicken satay lunch one day, I watched a couple attempting to practise some kind of gymnastic routine, in just their tiny swimwear obvs. They’ve still got a lot of practising to do. Another lady set herself up for a terribly bendy & impressive looking yoga session. I’d have more respect if she hadn’t spent longer setting up her phone to record it all and then as long watching it all back afterwards, deciding it wasn’t quite right, moving the camera and going again from a different angle. I sat and watched her while I had my afternoon cup of tea and Kitkat and wondered if she’d put enough suncream on as she’d picked a weirdly sunny spot to exercise. Must be better for the camera angle. The odd mentalist runs by (intentionally I think, not because they’re being chased by a pack of monkeys or some particularly enthusiastic Thai salesmen) looking all hot a sweaty, unsurprisingly since the lowest the temp drops even at night is to around 30°C.

One evening, I wondered round the Kamala Festival and listened to some of the excellent music performances (as above) while indulging in some of the market street food. I chatted to some fellow English speakers (who I think were actually from the US and who now live in Hawaii) and we all enjoyed the lyrics and working out what was being sung as opposed to what the songwriter originally intended. I avoided all of the many cannabis cafes that have sprung up since cannabis was legalised in Thailand last year, despite many kind offers of a variety of drugs at low prices! I also gave the ‘jumping shrimp salad’ a miss at the night market. Because when they say jumping, they mean it literally. There are bags of salad prepared and kept next to the fish tank. When a salad is ordered, a ladle food of live prawns are collected from the tank and sloshed into the salad bag, which is sealed at the top and handed over. Presumably the fun is trying to eat your squid salad before the STILL LIVING critters jump out and make a bid for freedom?! I went for already dead and cooked or never alive in the first place culinary delights including some squid rings and a pineapple and chocolate pancake!

I have turned down a number of merchandise that I have been offered by either the beach sellers or shop owners as I’ve walked past, or they’ve approached my sunbed and offered. These include; a kite, various ‘beautiful’ bits of jewellery, a Prada handbag, a bag of popcorn - a spoonful of which is thrust into your face for you to try, an ice cream - from a carrier bag, a carved wooden elephant, a carved three-foot high lamp in the shape of a giraffe, some Bluetooth speakers, ‘geniune’ Apple EarPods, a fully tailored Armani suit and a tiny ginger kitten. I’m not sure how they imagine I’d get the majority of those back home in my case? Or what I need them for. I don’t think all the vendors have quite understood the demand for what tourists might want. If there were vendors offering a line in thimbles or sea themed creatures (not live ones!), I’d be there!

Tomorrow morning, I shall pack up again (sling it all in my case and be ready to pay the excess baggage charge because my bag weighs more than the 15kg allowed on the domestic flights here!) and be off to Bangkok for a few days to explore the capital for the final part of my trip.